But we are *not* Jew-haters, they insist.
Enjoy this satire about love and peace on Earth, where antisemitism is imagined paranoia, Israel is the only country in human history founded "on stolen land," and Palestinians are perfectly perfect.
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This is an essay co-written by Joshua Hoffman and Paul Finlayson of Freedom to Offend.
You can also listen to the podcast version of this essay on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and Spotify.
Share this essay using this link: https://www.futureofjewish.com/p/but-we-are-not-jew-haters-they-insist
This recap was gathered from comments from a fictional but realistic panel discussion of attendees at a recent pro-HamasPalestinian rally in Canada.
The moderator started by stating that, and I quote, “Israel is guilty of genocide in a population that grows; it is a curious thing. Israel drops leaflets telling civilians that they will be targeting that area. Now, discuss.”
One student said that Hamas always stays in place; he noted that those leaflets were for civilians, but Hamas needs to be fair about this.
Other students weighing in commented that a tunnel under a Gaza hospital was only connected to the hospital because Hamas decided that being directly connected to the hospital was the best way they could ensure that medical aid, bandages, dressings, medicine, sanitary products for the women, and tampon machines in the men’s washroom could be readily stocked.
Other students wondered if Gaza was in Eastern or Western Europe. Suddenly another called out, “What?! Are you stupid?! It’s in the Far East, somewhere near Africa!”
Student consensus was that Israel should not have responded as they did; they should have given Hamas a mulligan or just asked for an apology card, one of those huge ones Hallmark makes, so that the Hamas fighters could sign it and give their best wishes to the families of the Jews, Filipinos, and children who died dancing in their bare feet, massacred with the delight of a teenager advancing through the video game, “Fortnite.”
Experts from recent protests explained their disgust with the civilian deaths. They remembered the Japanese-American meeting after Pearl Harbor that promised a one-to-one death ratio and ensured that the Pacific War would not involve civilian casualties.
Three of the experts who said their parents once had the History Channel (though they cancelled it after the free month expired) also looked to the Americans who dropped leaflets warning all civilians to flee from the Ruhr Valley in World War II, and noted how the Yanks also dropped coupons that gave Germans civilians free U-Haul Moving vans and 60 percent off last season’s Samsonite suitcase line — not the Hugo Boss one, since they were too busy designing uniforms for the Nazis.
Others said that despite the fact that we called Germans Nazis in World War II — even though only 10 percent were Nazi party members — it was a human-rights crime to call non-combatant Palestinians who cheered the rape of Jewish teenage girls and approved of the October 7th massacres at a rate of more than 80 percent, while voting overwhelmingly for Hamas in elections, with Hamas’ popularity in the West Bank sitting at double Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s vote percentage when he won his last election in 2021.
When asked about free speech, students defined it as the freedom to say what they wanted and for others to say things with which they personally agreed. They noted that free speech did not extend to opinions that hurt their feelings or that they disagreed with. The consensus was that those people should all be immediately fired.
Students emphasized their disgust with how Israel did not acquiesce to a ceasefire every time Hamas demanded it. They said that Hamas was getting tired — tired of pushing civilians out of ambulances so they could escape Israel’s attacks.
Hamas needed to get to the Rafah Crossing that connects Gaza with Egypt because the United Nations had to deliver more water pipes cut up into tight six-foot lengths with tips attached so, when civilians got aggressive asking for water, they could use the uncompleted missiles to poke annoying civilians asking the brave warriors for their Perrier six-packs.
Interviewed protestors also said it was important to note that just because people scream “Gas the Jews!” on the streets, the meaning and nuance can be missed. Protesters explained that Jews tend to run out of petrol on the roads because they have forgotten to gas up in their excitement to get their Nobel Prizes and need to be “gassed up” — to have petrol cans brought to their abandoned cars.
“From the River to the Sea,” the controversial phrase that most know refers to the destruction of the Jewish State of Israel, was explained as referencing a boat race on the Gaza coastline where everyday Palestinians who the West is chronically convinced are “not Hamas” made boats out of missiles that had not made it into Israel — to have a family fun day.
On the special day after the ship skirted along the ocean, fans called it, “The Big River of Fun.” After the river fun event, some industrious homemakers were encouraged to make clothing from the skin of dead homosexuals that their elected government had murdered. Some clothing makers, though, complained that dragging bodies behind motorcycles wrecked the skin and that they could only make ripped jeans with holes in them.
Students suggested that military capabilities should be evened out, as has automatically happened with every war. Israel’s advantages with drones and airplanes should be balanced by having IDF infantry soldiers wear bright, glow-in-the-dark orange uniforms and conduct warfare the proper way, moving just like Civil War reenactors advancing in a single file.
Furthermore, student Palestinian activists said that the IDF should have to call out in Arabic, with a pristine Gazan Arabic accent: “Red rover, red rover, we call Hamas over.” A protestor who asked to have his name excluded for no good reason said this would at least make the fight a tad bit fairer. We are not even sure if his “pronoun” is “his” — but let’s not cry over spilled milk, especially if it is gross Zionist milk.
As noted, wars have a long history of seeing the enemy’s technical equipment and ensuring that you make things “even-Steven.” Philosophy student Benjamin Spain said that they should not simultaneously accuse Israel of both genocide and apartheid because, philosophically, the apartheid argument will not work if you genocide first — in layman’s terms, because nobody will be left to be an eternal victim of the so-called apartheid that does not even remotely fit the definition of apartheid.
But attendees were briefed ahead of time that facts are always second, sometimes even third, and occasionally completely irrelevant when dealing with the supreme construct of feelings, opinions, beliefs, brainwashing, and cult-like illusions — no matter how extreme, violent, repressive, racist, prejudiced, bigoted, sexist, immoral, offensive, or murderous they may be.
A student leader with his face covered who called himself “Diagolon for Palestine” said: “We support a government of Gaza that is based on the movie ‘Inside Outside 2,’ where everyone is friendly to each other.”
He said that they would tell the destructive emotions not to come to Gaza. At the same time, West Bank activists at the university and spokesman Vashoff Liechtenstein noted that they could still be against Israel and not be for a medieval barbaric culture that wants to kill Jews (especially the ones hiding behind talking rocks) or be for those who want to stop women from being beaten and raped, and of course not endorsing the pushing of homosexuals off rooftops.
Spokesperson Kathyrn Maggot, who goes by the pronoun “everyone all of us forever eternally together all at once can I get a boo yah” added, and I quote:
“We’d make it nice and dandy. We’d just have an ethnic food day where we culturally misappropriate Palestinian items (most of which have been culturally misappropriated by the Palestinians themselves) and everyone will get along, kind of like that boat ride at Disneyland, ‘it’s a small world.’”
Never mind that “it’s a small world” is located in the “Fantasyland” area of Disney theme parks.
When accused of making up a make-believe world, as opposed to the real world of Hamas — where Hamas has stated that they wanted to destroy Israel, kill all Jews, and then come for Christians — the leader of the Palestinian Judean Front of Palestine said that everyone is “just like us,” adding: “We need to give them more hugs, in accordance with the perfectly peaceful Koran.”
Finally, when asked to comment on all these fun and games, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau suggested that Canadian tax dollars should be used to build a battery factory in Gaza.
At the same time, Canadian Right-wing politician Pierre Poilievre argued that they needed to focus on lowering taxes on items of all kinds which are smuggled through the 80 or so tunnels under the Rafah Crossing.
Just to remain consistent with political policy, of course.
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Good job Joshua, our stuff worked well together. Fairly dark humour, I hope people recognize the Monty Python rip off joke.Palestinan front of Palestine.
Fantastic! They are brainwashed and deluded morons!