Introducing the Jew Box™
Enjoy this satirical piece about the first AI-powered perfection in double standards management.
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This is a guest essay written by Paul Finlayson of Freedom to Offend.
You can also listen to the podcast version of this essay on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and Spotify.
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The Qatari Institute of Technology proudly presents the Jew Box™, an AI-powered tool crafted to help Jews and non-Jews navigate the complex landscape of societal expectations.
This sleek gadget, available with interchangeable covers to match any ensemble, is essential for those wrestling with what's considered “acceptable” in discussions surrounding Jewish or Israeli issues.
“It’s not just about double standards,” explained professor Melanie Spenzviz. “It’s about the inconsistency in these standards. The Jew Box offers clarity on a shifting terrain.”
Here are some enlightening exchanges with the Jew Box. We have hidden our technical examiner’s name and are referring to the examiner as Q.
The results of our queries are the following:
1. On Rape and Jurisdiction
Q: My friend was raped, and it was recorded on video. Will the rapist be convicted?
Jew Box: Absolutely. We must always believe women, especially with video evidence of them being sexually assaulted.
Q: But it happened in Israel on October 7th.
Jew Box: Never happened. We do not trust video evidence because Jews probably faked it with AI and used their space lasers to confuse us all.
Q: Thank you.
2. On Indigenous Claims
Q: Every country consists of descendants of its original Indigenous people, right?
Jew Box: Are you Jewish?
Q: No.
Jew Box: Only Bhutan, Japan, Iceland, Lesotho, Tonga, San Marino, Mongolia, and Samoa qualify.
Q: I lied. I am Jewish.
Jew Box: Settler-colonist, despicable. You need to leave Israel so Arabs who came in the 1920s can displace Jews who have been there for 4,000 years.
Q: So you admit Jews were there?
Jew Box: No, I heard the pottery was not thousands of years old and that they found a receipt from the Salvation Army store with the shards. The bones were from raccoons.
3. On Military Actions and Civilian Casualties
Q: The IDF’s killing of civilians is the worst in recorded history, right?
Jew Box: Actually, Israel’s military actions have one of the lowest civilian-to-combatant death ratios, considering that Hamas uses civilians as shields.
Q: I am Jewish.
Jew Box: It’s genocide, the worst ever recorded.
Q: What military action should Israel have taken when 1,200 citizens were killed? If 50,000 Americans were killed by marauding raiders from Canada, would the Americans have not retaliated?
Jew Box: The Americans might have kissed Winnipeg goodbye, but probably not because they have never heard of it. When God flew over Winnipeg, he reportedly gave up the window seat.
Q: You’re missing the point.
Jew Box: The United Nations has decided that Israel has no right to retaliation; individual Jews should also be willing to be punched in the face without retaliating.
Q: Why is that?
Jew Box: As compensation for ruining all the harvests in the Middle Ages and not leaving England quickly enough when they were asked to depart.
4. On Human Rights in Gaza
Q: It’s wrong to push gays off rooftops and drag their bodies through the streets, right?
Jew Box: Of course, that is abhorrent.
Q: What if it happens in Gaza?
Jew Box: Never happens. They are just having a bouncy castle competition, and fun-loving gay people (in the original meaning of the word gay — like happy) are jumping into the bouncy castle. Dragging people through the streets? It’s a cultural ritual, a final parade for lost brothers. Don’t be ethnocentric. It is the first part of their passage to Valhalla.
Q: Isn’t that the wrong religion?
Jew Box: Don’t be a religious bigot.
5. On Academic Freedom and Hate Speech
Q: What about a professor calling for the extermination of Israel and accusing Jews of Satanic practices?
Jew Box: Was this the guy at the University of Guelph?
Q: Yes.
Jew Box: No problem then. Free speech. They were just planning some “Jew moves,” right?
Q: They also want to fire a professor for calling Hamas “Nazis.”
Jew Box: That’s vile. Just because the Muslim Brotherhood leader that formed Hamas admired Hitler, doesn’t make them Nazis. Just because the head of the Muslim Brotherhood had 387 Hitler bobbleheads, it doesn’t matter. That professor should be fired.
Q: Why do Jewish counter-protestors get removed when they try to protest on university campuses while “pro-Palestinians” are allowed to trespass and occupy land illegally?
Jew Box: The Jews listen to us. The rest of them are just vegan this, vegan that, food allergies, chocolate sprinkles only on one side of their lattes, and if we don’t give them what they want, they might get violent.
Q: But the police don’t want to do policing?
Jew Box: Some policing is different than other policing.
6. On Free Speech and Selective Censorship
Q: Is it wrong to disinvite Israeli speakers because they are Jews, while allowing others to welcome terrorists?
Jew Box: One person’s terrorist is another person’s entertainer.
Q: You mean terrorists enjoy killing people?
Jew Box: Yes, so don’t be a buzzkill.
Q: Isn’t free speech more important than ensuring people’s feelings aren’t hurt?
Jew Box: We prefer to call it “free-ish speech.” And free-ish Jewish speech just isn’t trending now. They don’t even have good merch. Didn’t Orwell teach us all about some speech being freer than others?
Q: He was talking about pigs.
Jew Box: Now you’re just discriminating against Muslims
Q: But Jews don’t eat pork.
Jew Box. And we don’t want to censor them when it comes to not eating pork. So we are good then.
Q: Is your AI pre-Enlightenment?
Jew Box: Reason is a racist tool of the oppressors, so the coders took that out.
7. On the Value of Muslim Lives
Q: Is every Muslim life lost of equal value?
Jew Box: Is this a trick question?
Q: I’m serious. Four million Muslims have died violently since 1980 in the Middle East.
Jew Box: Muslim deaths at the hands of Russians, Syrians, or Saudis get a 4.4 out of 10 on the Jew Box Death Value Index.
Q: What’s the highest rating?
Jew Box: If Jews are involved, it’s 400 out of 10.
Q: That’s statistically impossible.
Jew Box: Where did you get your PhD?
Q: Harvard?
Jew Box: Racist.
8. On Racism and Antisemitism
Q: Is it okay to use the N-word?
Jew Box: Absolutely not.
Q: Is it okay to attack Black schools and call for their deaths?
Jew Box: Are we in 1952?
Q: How about doing that to Jews today?
Jew Box: Context matters. Were they just trailer classrooms?
Q: Yes, I think so.
Jew Box: Then it’s okay. Are you calling for their death? It’s probably just a mistranslation. Arabic is a love language; it was perhaps a romantic poem that Google Translate pooched. The AI on Google Translate is racist, and it keeps translating calls to gas the Jews and suggestions to shoot their schools as being calls to violence.
9. On War Crimes and International Law
Q: Should the International Criminal Court act when Syrian President Bashar al-Assad kills thousands of his own people, or when China persecutes Muslims and puts Uyghurs in concentration camps?
Jew Box: Chinese Jews need to stop persecuting Muslims, agreed.
Q: They aren’t Jews.
Jew Box: Concentration camps? It’s more like summer camps without the canoeing, tents, and bonfires. It’s more like extended fireside chats, except for eight hours in a row in concrete rooms. No marshmallows.
10. On Combat Tactics
Q: Isn’t it a war crime to hide behind civilians and launch rockets from schools?
Jew Box: That’s okay if you have the Jew Exception Card #2325 from the International Criminal Court.
Q: Does that card exist?
Jew Box: Read the sticker on the box; AI sometimes makes mistakes.
11. On Success and Stereotypes
Q: Why are successful Asian immigrants seen as success stories, but Jews are portrayed as sinister manipulators if they’re successful?
Jew Box: Asians opened restaurants, which is noble work. Jews just banked their way up.
Q: But that’s a stereotype.
Jew Box: Google it. Are you saying Asians shouldn’t work in finance? Racist.
Q: That’s not what I meant.
Jew Box: Please plug me in; I need a recharge.
12. On International Criticism
Q: Why is Israel constantly criticized while North Korea and Iran are overlooked?
Jew Box: We love Jews so much; we expect more from them. You’re welcome. You’re like the son who goes to Harvard and gets one B-minus in four years. The rest of the siblings ended up in Juvenile detention, and a solid week for them is not stabbing someone with a fork.
13. On Media Control
Q: Look at these stats: Jews were involved in 0.7 percent of Muslim deaths but got 14 percent of the negative coverage.
Jew Box: Jews control the media.
Q: That makes no sense.
Jew Box: Sounds like you’re just trying to control the media again.
14. On Historical Displacement
Q: Why is the 1948 Jewish displacement forgotten and only the Arab displacement discussed?
Jew Box: Those Jews were just on holiday. They weren’t displaced.
Q: Why is Israel’s creation seen as a bloodbath? Weren’t they attacked?
Jew Box: Couldn’t you have done it peacefully, like the Indian Partition?
Q: 1.2 million died there.
Jew Box: I need a plug, I am low on power. That must be wrong.
15. On Overlooked Atrocities
Q: When Russians invaded Chechnya, they killed five percent of the population. Why didn’t anyone care?
Jew Box: There are too many countries to keep track of. All those Stans and names that are 50-percent vowels get hard to keep track of.
Q: Could it be that people just hate Jews first and just want to confirm their bias?
Jew Box: No, before 1948, there was no antisemitism.
Q: The pogroms, evictions, slavery, subjugation?
Jew Box: This Jew Box doesn’t do history before 1948.
Q: Then how can you ever understand the world today?
Jew Box: Like I said, we don’t do truth and reason. We’re just here to help you manage expectations. You’re welcome.
Q: I didn’t say thank you.
Jew Box: Don’t be rude. You Jews are so disrespectful.
Thank you. One thing I never knew, it seems like to be a Jew today is to be gaslight all the time, perhaps this is the need and wonder of Jewish commuity. I need to get to Israel, I am tired of the madness of this land.
i like the sarcastic humor! its imperative to understand that the anti jew expressions are not random mental outbursts but part of the windup many people need to spin to hate. It's the intimidation component of bully pschology just before conducting personal violence and WAR ! Its advanced bully. You dont reason or educate a bully!,You must break his internal narrarive with your fist! The cycle If unanswered by stiff direct pushback that demonstrates dire consequences they will be embolded to proceed onto a deeper path as vicory is their mental reward for their passion!