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Hollywood has the Oscars. Music has the Grammys. Theater has the Tonys.
And when it comes to the grand spectacle of anti-Israel and anti-Jewish theatrics, there’s nothing quite like the “Pally’s” — an annual awards show recognizing the most outstanding performances in hypocrisy, selective outrage, and historical revisionism.
This year’s ceremony, held in an undisclosed location where maps of Israel are mysteriously missing, promises to be a night to remember. With categories ranging from “Best Supporting Actor in an Anti-Israel Narrative” to “Outstanding Achievement in Holocaust Revisionism,” let’s take a look at this year’s nominees.
Best Supporting Actor in an Anti-Israel Narrative
For the individual who best plays a background role in spreading misinformation and double standards.
🏆 Winner: Roger Waters – For his role in “The Wall of Hypocrisy,” where he seamlessly jumps from Pink Floyd nostalgia to blaming Israel for everything from climate change to his bad Wi-Fi connection.
Honorable Mentions:
Gigi Hadid – For proving that inherited wealth and Instagram filters make one an expert on geopolitics.
Bernie Sanders – For showing up just enough to mumble something about “both sides” before disappearing into the Senate cloakroom.
Most Creative Use of the Phrase 'Genocide' Without Understanding Its Meaning
Awarded to the individual or group that manages to redefine “self-defense” as “mass murder.”
🏆 Winner: The UN Human Rights Council – For their performance in “Selective Vision,” where they manage to see “Israeli war crimes” with microscopic precision while missing Hamas war crimes happening in broad daylight.
Honorable Mentions:
Amnesty International – For their latest installment of “The Boy Who Cried Apartheid.”
University Student Governments Everywhere – For using “genocide” to describe a nation that’s mysteriously growing in population.
Best Original Revision of Jewish History
For rewriting thousands of years of Jewish existence in the land of Israel.
🏆 Winner: Mahmoud Abbas – For his speech, “The Holocaust Wasn’t That Bad, But Also, Israel is Worse,” a masterclass in historical distortion.
Honorable Mentions:
The BBC – For its documentary, “Israel: The Country That Appeared Out of Nowhere in 1948.”
Harvard University – For its innovative approach to archaeology, where they erase Jewish history from textbooks while “decolonizing” their syllabi.
Lifetime Achievement in Selective Outrage
For the activist who has spent a career condemning Israel while ignoring atrocities elsewhere.
🏆 Winner: The European Union – For their decades-long tradition of condemning Israel at lightning speed while needing five committee meetings and a lunar eclipse before addressing Islamist terrorism in their own backyard.
Honorable Mentions:
Linda Sarsour – For denouncing Israel at women’s marches while cozying up to regimes that don’t let women drive.
Jeremy Corbyn – For calling Hamas his “friends” while denying he has an antisemitism problem.
Best Performance by an Academic in a Leading Role
For the professor who turns a college classroom into an anti-Israel propaganda session.
🏆 Winner: Joseph Massad (Columbia University) – For his hit seminar, “How to Turn Any Middle East Discussion Into an Anti-Israel Rant.”
Honorable Mentions:
Rashid Khalidi – For his ability to teach history by removing the Jewish parts.
The Entire Ethnic Studies Department of California – For ensuring that no Jewish student ever feels safe again.
Best Set Design for an Anti-Israel Protest
For the most dramatic and unnecessary use of props in an anti-Israel demonstration.
🏆 Winner: Pro-Hamas College Protesters – For their “Checkpoint Theatre” set piece that ignores the existence of suicide bombers entirely.
Honorable Mentions:
BDS Movement – For their elaborate fake “apartheid walls” set up in front of Starbucks, which has nothing to do with Israel.
Al Jazeera Cameramen – For their work on “Gaza: The Movie,” where destroyed buildings mysteriously reassemble between takes.
Best Reply to Facts or Logic
For the activist who manages to dismiss reality in the most creative way possible.
🏆 Winner: “From the River to the Sea” Twitter Warriors – For responding to every historical fact with either “Zionist propaganda” or an emoji of the Palestinian flag (or the red triangle emoji).
Honorable Mentions:
College Protesters – For their deep, intellectual rebuttal to any counterpoint: “Free Palestine, you apartheid-loving colonial settler!!!”
Intersectionality Enthusiasts – For their ability to tie Israel to climate change, indigenous rights, and the housing crisis in San Francisco, all in one incoherent TikTok video.
Best Fictional Narrative Disguised as News
For the media outlet that best blends fiction and reality when reporting on Israel.
🏆 Winner: The New York Times – For their hit series “Israeli Forces Kill Palestinian Gunman Who Was Just About to Cure Cancer.”
Honorable Mentions:
Al Jazeera – For their award-winning feature “Israel Bombs Gaza Playground,” which later turned out to be a Hamas rocket that fell short.
The Guardian – For their gripping article “Palestinian Toddler Dies Due to Israeli Occupation,” which conveniently left out that he was hit by celebratory gunfire at a Hamas rally.
Best Foreign Policy Designed to Undermine Israel
For the government that has made the most effort to empower Israel’s enemies while pretending to be an honest broker.
🏆 Winner: The Biden Administration – For their feature-length policy thriller “Send Money to Iran and Hope for the Best.”
Honorable Mentions:
The European Union – For their long-running series “Funding Terror, Condemning Israel.”
Turkey’s Erdogan – For his breakout performance in “Peace Broker by Day, Hamas Sponsor by Night.”
Best International Media for Anti-Israel Bias
For the news outlet that consistently distorts facts to fit a predetermined anti-Israel agenda.
🏆 Winner: The New York Times – For their hit series “Israeli Forces Kill Palestinian Gunman Who Was Just About to Cure Cancer.”
Honorable Mentions:
Al Jazeera – For their award-winning feature “Israel Bombs Gaza Playground,” which later turned out to be a Hamas rocket that fell short.
The Guardian – For their gripping article “Palestinian Toddler Dies Due to Israeli Occupation,” which conveniently left out that he was hit by celebratory gunfire at a Hamas rally.
Best Adapted Historical Narrative
For taking real historical events and twisting them beyond recognition.
🏆 Winner: Pro-Palestinian Activists – For their reimagining of the Holocaust as “a Zionist conspiracy” while simultaneously calling Israelis the “new Nazis.”
Honorable Mentions:
Academia – For their gripping remake of “The Nakba,” where Jews somehow colonized the very land they were expelled from for centuries.
The BDS Movement – For turning “Apartheid” into a meaningless buzzword that ignores actual apartheid in the Middle East.
Best Cinematography in an Anti-Israel Riot
For the most dramatic footage of violent protests carefully edited to look like peaceful demonstrations.
🏆 Winner: Palestinian Activists on TikTok – For their stunning ability to make terrorists look like freedom fighters using just an iPhone and some dramatic background music.
Honorable Mentions:
The BBC – For their “accidentally” misleading camera angles that never seem to capture Hamas fighters hiding behind civilians.
Reuters – For their “unexpectedly” blurry footage when Israeli victims are involved, but 4K clarity when Palestinians are shown.
Best Visual Effects in an Anti-Israel Protest
For the most impressive use of props, special effects, and fake blood.
🏆 Winner: Pallywood Film Studios – For their masterpiece “The Wounded Civilian Who Miraculously Walks Again.”
Honorable Mentions:
Protesters at UC Berkeley – For their blockbuster “Apartheid Wall,” built on campus despite no actual apartheid existing.
Al Jazeera Reporters – For their stunning ability to be “under Israeli bombardment” while standing in front of perfectly intact buildings.
Best Quasi-Humanitarian Award
For the organization that pretends to care about human rights while enabling terror groups.
🏆 Winner: Human Rights Watch – For their never-ending investigation into Israel while ignoring ethnic cleansing in places like Syria, China, and Iran.
Honorable Mentions:
UNRWA – For their commitment to keeping Palestinians as refugees forever while hiring Hamas operatives as teachers.
Doctors Without Borders (MSF) – For condemning Israel’s hospitals while remaining silent about Hamas using ambulances as getaway vehicles.
Great read, and behind all of the Western stuff, a lot of Qatari money, with tautly held strings attached.
Hilarious, thank you.