150+ Lies About Jews and Israel
A Comical Exploration of the Exaggerated, the Invented, and the Absurd
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In a world rife with misinformation, this listicle takes a humorous look at the most outlandish and exaggerated myths surrounding Jews and Israel, debunking the absurd, the invented, and the downright bizarre.
Prepare to laugh, learn, and maybe even be shocked by the sheer ridiculousness of these 150-plus falsehoods:
Jews control all the banks — except the one that just denied my loan.
Israel invented hummus to erase Arab culture.
The Jews were not really slaves in Egypt. They were actually the first team of ancient consultants hired to help Pharaoh manage his pyramids. (They billed by the hour, of course.)
The Mossad trains dolphins for espionage. “Flipper” says hi.
Jewish holidays are a secret plot to control the global calendar.
Jews love Israel because Israel conspires to ensure that every Jewish holiday is celebrated with a 20-percent discount on all items purchased on the Sabbath.
All Jews are wealthy. (Tell that to my broke cousin, Dave.)
Jews don’t eat bacon, so clearly, they must hate fun.
Israel’s “Eurovision Song Contest” entries are subtle Zionist propaganda. Because sparkly costumes and camp are super subversive.
Jews own Hollywood. If so, is that why we get so many great Jewish movies every year?
The Dead Sea is salty because it’s Jewish. (No, it’s just a lake with feelings.)
Jews have a secret language to confuse others. It is called Hebrew. You can learn it, too.
Israel has weather-controlling satellites. If that was true, global warming would be toast.
Jews do not believe in Jesus, so they’re plotting his downfall.
Israel is only green because Jews water their plants with Palestinian tears.
Jews invented bagels to trap non-Jews into eating carbs.
Challah1 is a divine bread that’s covertly engineered to hold more butter than any other food on the planet.
Jews faked the moon landing to distract from … something.
Israelis have the most museums per capita because they are secretly storing ancient artifacts that prove aliens are Zionists.
All Jewish mothers guilt-trip their kids into becoming doctors or lawyers. (Maybe 80 percent, tops.)
Israelis put microchips in falafels to track you. (Your food coma is your own fault.)
Jews run a secret shadow government. (We can barely agree on where to meet for lunch.)
Israel controls all of America’s foreign policy. (If so, what’s up with those awkward United Nations meetings?)
Jews invented capitalism. And communism. Choose a lane, conspiracists!
Jewish music is just an ancient form of complaining set to a catchy tune.
Israel has the most startups per capita to turn every piece of technology into an uncontrollable Zionist.
Jews are cheap because they have mastered the art of value investing, even when it comes to the tip at a restaurant. (Why spend more when you can get the same quality for less?)
Israelis train pigeons to spy on Iran. Not even pigeons deserve this slander.
Jews secretly run the Illuminati. (Oh, honey, we’re too tired for that.)
A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a quasi-rite of passage where a 13-year-old is magically transformed into an expert at reading biblical Hebrew, dancing awkwardly, and giving unsolicited life advice.
Every Jew knows every other Jew. Yes, all 15 million of us are in one giant WhatsApp group.
Jews invented guilt as a weapon. (It’s a feature, not a bug.)
The Holocaust was not a historical tragedy, but rather an elaborate cover-up for the world’s most intense game of hide-and-seek. (Spoiler alert: It was not funny then, and it is not funny now.)
Jews are always plotting something. Mostly dinner reservations.
Israel hacked your iPhone. (Please, you’re not that interesting.)
Jews hoard gold like dragons. Show me the treasure map!
Israel is an apartheid state — that somehow features non-Jewish (e.g. Arab, Muslim) citizens in every sector of society, with equal voting rights and other forms of representation across the board.
Jews were behind the Titanic sinking. Iceberg … Goldberg … what’s the difference?
Purim is a centuries-old costume party thrown by Jews to confuse their enemies into thinking we are all superheroes.
Jews created TikTok to brainwash Gen Z. (We wish we had that kind of clout.)
Israelis train cats for border patrol. (Okay, now this sounds cool.)
Pogroms are just Jewish community gatherings that got way out of hand.
The West Bank is called the West Bank because it is where all the world’s best coffee beans are secretly grown, and the “bank” is actually just a caffeine stash. (It is a global brew conspiracy.)
Every Jewish deli is part of a global Zionist conspiracy. (If only Israel was known for manufacturing pastrami and corned beef.)
Jews invented math to confuse the rest of the world.
Israelis never sleep — they’re always plotting something. (It’s just the coffee culture, calm down.)
Jews charge interest on everything, including friendship. (There’s no surcharge, I promise.)
Israel’s real national dish is secretly … gefilte fish. (Absolutely not. We have taste.)
Jewish lawyers secretly run the courts. Then why are parking tickets still a thing?
The Talmud is actually a centuries-long debate on the best way to cook brisket.
Jews invented therapy so they could monetize their own neuroses. (Maybe, but you’re welcome.)
Israelis have pet camels.
Jews planted fake artifacts to prove we are indigenous to Israel. (Too much effort, frankly.)
Israelis have perfected the art of line-cutting. (We call it chutzpah, and it’s a cultural trait.)
Jews write all the questions on university entrance exams to ensure world domination through test scores.
Israelis teach toddlers Krav Maga instead of the alphabet. (Not the worst idea, honestly.)
Jews are hoarding a cure for baldness. (Have you seen Larry David?)
The Kotel (the Western Wall in Jerusalem) is actually a prehistoric Wi-Fi hotspot where Jews have been illegally sending group texts for centuries.
Jesus was Palestinian, not Jewish. And Pelé was an all-time great tennis player, not an all-time great footballer.
Shabbat is not actually the day of rest. It is when Jews meet to strategize our next interplanetary uprising — right after the cholent.
Israel secretly owns Google Maps. (Nope, but Israelis did invent Waze.)
Every Jew has a secret diamond hidden in their house. (Still looking for mine.)
Israelis invented cyber-security … to spy on everyone’s cat videos.
Jewish summer camps are training grounds for future spies.
The Old Testament was actually just an ancient marketing campaign to sell more lamb.
Jews pray in order to secure front-row seats (and even VIP access) in the afterlife.
Kosher refers to Jewish dietary laws that are a classified code for food that has been blessed by rabbis, taste-tested by grandmothers, and approved to murder Christians in order to use their blood in the performance of religious rituals.
Jews invented lox to force non-Jews to love salmon. It worked, didn’t it?
All Israeli beaches have gold sand. (It’s regular sand, just Instagrammed a lot.)
Jews control the world’s bagel supply. (Partially true, and we are proud of it.)
Israelis use falafel to brainwash tourists.
Jews only donate to charities they secretly control.
Israeli football (soccer) players are all trained Mossad agents. (You’ve seen us play, right?)
Jews invented allergies to seem more delicate. (Please pass the gluten-free matzo.)
Israel has a secret colony on Mars. (Shh, don’t tell Elon.)
Jews make the best stand-up comedians because they’re always complaining.
Israeli wine is spiked with Zionist propaganda.
Jews never split checks because they control all the money. (Not true — we argue over who pays.) And we love money because we have perfected the art of saving, especially to buy land in our indigenous homeland when the rest of the world does not shelter us from violent, lethal persecution.
Every Jewish mom is in cahoots with your therapist.
Jews own every media outlet, except the ones you actually read.
Israelis are just really tan Russians. (False, we are way more fashionable.)
Jews designed IKEA furniture to frustrate non-Jews. (Honestly, we struggle too.)
Israelis train wild boars to patrol the West Bank.
Your grandma is older than our country. Then you have the world’s oldest grandma who was born sometime in 13th century BCE.
Jewish bread is shaped like circles because we think linearly.
Jews invented the concept of brunch to make mornings tolerable. (You are welcome.)
Israelis are ethnically cleansing Palestinians — which is why the Palestinian population has miraculously risen against all ethnic cleansing odds from 700,000 in 1948 to 5.5 million in 2024.
Jews are plotting to replace Santa Claus by appointing a rabbi. (Eight nights > one day.) If we had a sacred animal in Judaism, we would consider replacing the reindeer too.
Israelis invented USB drives to spy on your bad PowerPoint presentations.
Jews sprinkle gold dust on bagels for extra control over Wall Street.
Jewish comedians are secretly Mossad agents. (Only if you laugh too hard.)
Israel is secretly funded by matzo sales. (Have you tried eating that stuff plain?)
Jews invented cryptocurrency to make the banks irrelevant.
Jewish food is bland on purpose, so no one steals our recipes.
Jews know the meaning of life but won’t share it.
Israelis secretly control all kosher grocery stores worldwide.
Jewish lawyers invented divorce to keep themselves busy.
Jews charge interest on their own relatives. (Only if they’re late on rent.)
Israel is planning a global shakshuka takeover. (It’s a peaceful invasion, promise.)
Jews are behind every big tech IPO. (Only if it’s successful.)
Israelis use the “startup nation” slogan to distract from their sabich monopoly.
Jewish schools teach white settler colonial economics as a core subject.
Jews invented baggy pants to hide all their wealth.
Israelis control the world’s supply of chickpeas.
Jewish accountants know all your secrets. (No, just your receipts.)
Jews are planning to colonize the moon. (We call dibs on the Sea of Tranquility.)
Israelis put tahini in everything to slowly convert the world.
Jewish matchmakers control Tinder’s algorithm.
Israel invented the Wi-Fi password to hack your devices.
Jews secretly own every diamond mine.
Israelis use hummus to power their cars. (If only that worked.)
Jewish delis are fronts for international espionage. (Spying on your cholesterol, maybe.)
A kippah2 is actually a tiny satellite dish that helps Jews tune into their favorite rabbi’s YouTube channel.
Israelis are just white imperialist Europeans who got lost on their way to a Eurovision Song Contest viewing party.
Jews invented schmoozing to dominate networking events.
Israeli tourism ads contain subliminal messages.
Jewish moms invented overpacking for trips.
Israelis are just Mediterranean Australians.
Jews own every business in Brooklyn.
Israel’s national flag was designed to erase all Arabs and Muslims from this planet.
Jews invented emojis to avoid typing full sentences.
Israelis do not need sunscreen because of a secret SPF gene.
Jews created the Nobel Prize to make themselves look good.
Israeli street food stands are secretly military outposts.
Jews own all the gold in China, Australia, and South Africa.
Jerusalem is not the capital of Israel because it is actually the headquarters of a secret global menorah syndicate.
Jewish doctors charge extra for guilt-free consultations.
Israelis control all pita production. (It’s a soft-power play.)
Jews secretly run the bagel-lox industrial complex.
Antisemitism does not really exist. It is just one big misunderstanding where everyone forgot to read the fine print on the conspiracy theories.
Jews invented sarcasm to confuse self-declared enemies.
Israelis sell bottled air from the Dead Sea.
Jews have our own new year because we needed an extra chance to start over before everyone else does. (Plus, apples and honey are a way better combination than champagne and confetti.)
Jewish accountants double as magicians.
Israel’s airports use Palestinian children and women as a security tool.
Jews secretly run all yoga retreat centers.
Israelis invented kombucha for profit.
Jews created schmaltz to hypnotize people.
Israel’s kibbutz system is a front for training the world’s most prolific Zionists.
Israelis developed the most productive cows to overthrow the entire dairy industry.
Jews have a secret recipe for eternal youth.
Israelis can turn wine into startup ideas.
Jewish dads invented dad jokes as psychological warfare.
Israel’s beaches are funded by invisible Zionist sunscreen.
Jews own all the world’s deli counters.
The Star of David is actually a secret GPS coordinate for the best deals and discounts in the world.
Jews plan to replace the United Nations with a global Shabbat dinner.
Israel’s biggest secret weapon? Really, really, really great PR.
Jews require human blood for the baking of matzos because we have just never found a substitute for the perfect amount of flavor.
Zionists invented the term “blood libel” to make our holidays more captivating and dramatic.
Jews created the 10 Commandments for a last-minute Black Friday promotion to sell more stone tablets.
Jews are good at business because we have been running the ultimate bargain sale since the Exodus.
Palestinians do not hate Jews. They just really, really, really, really love the idea of having the best real estate in the Middle East and think everyone should be on the guest list.
Jewish and Israeli lives do not matter because they have been deemed too resilient to be taken seriously.
Bread that is an important part of Jewish culture and the Sabbath
A skullcap that is worn by Jews as a pious custom
Lol you forgot the one from the crazy German New Medicine guy ... Jews have the cure for cancer but aren't sharing it with the goys because you want us all to die.
I knew after reading the title, this would be a gem. This list is priceless. The one I hear when reading comments against Jews is that Jews run the world. Well, if we did, it sure wouldn't look like it does. Thanks for a bit of levity to start my day!