How to Boycott Israel: A Guide
Boycotting Israel is an art form that requires immense effort to maintain your righteousness, while dodging the inconvenient realities of modern life and Jewish history.
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So, you’ve decided to boycott Israel. Congratulations!
You’re now taking a bold stand against the only liberal democracy in the Middle East — a tiny nation the size of New Jersey, somehow responsible for every major global injustice, including the suspicious rise in oat milk prices.
Boycotting Israel is an art form; it requires immense effort to maintain your righteousness while dodging the inconvenient realities of modern life and Jewish history.
But take heart, with a little cognitive dissonance, a lot of selective outrage, and a sprinkling of historical amnesia, you too can proudly champion the world’s most inconsistently applied moral cause.
So, where to start?
Boycotting Israel is trickier than it looks. If you’re not careful, you might accidentally stumble into using Israeli products and services — and nobody wants that on their conscience.
Here’s your handy 15-step guide:
Step 1: Throw away your smartphone.
Is your phone a Samsung? An iPhone? Doesn’t matter.
If it works, there’s a good chance it’s running on Israeli-made microchips, cybersecurity software, or wireless technology. Toss it immediately.
Bonus points if you post a video of yourself smashing it. Just make sure not to use Instagram. (The algorithm’s security features are powered by Israeli tech.)
Step 2: Avoid modern medicine.
Having an asthma attack? Hold your breath.
Need insulin? Meditate it away.
Israeli biotech companies have contributed to everything from cancer treatments, to multiple sclerosis therapies, to pill cameras that detect diseases.
Remember: Better to die dramatically on the moral high ground, than live with Zionist pharmaceuticals coursing through your veins.
Step 3: Renounce navigation.
Nothing says "solidarity" like getting hopelessly lost.
Waze, the navigation app that saves you from bad traffic, was developed in Israel (and acquired by Google, the technology of which also exists in Google Maps).
So, from now on, embrace every wrong turn. Let your 45-minute drive stretch into a six-hour existential journey — a small price to pay for justice.
Step 4: Boycott … your activist platform?
If you’re organizing your anti-Israel protest on Facebook or WhatsApp — bad news. Both use Israeli cybersecurity tools to protect your account from hacking.
But hey, it’s the thought that counts. (Or just fax everyone like it’s 1995.)
Step 5: Pick selective outrage only.
When choosing which countries to boycott, remember the golden rule: Israel first, human rights records later.
Sudan? Slavery persists. China? Concentration camps are fine. Iran? LGBTQ+ people? Not your business.
But Israel allowing its Arab citizens to vote, sit on the Supreme Court, and serve in parliament? Unforgivable.
Step 6: Misunderstand ‘apartheid’ for fun and profit.
True apartheid? Look at South Africa, where black citizens couldn’t vote or live where they wanted.
Israel? Well, Arab Israelis have full voting rights, access to healthcare, and representation in government — but “apartheid” sounds catchy on a sign, and nuance doesn’t trend on Twitter.
Step 7: Ignore context at all costs.
If a country is under constant rocket fire from terrorist groups embedded among civilians, defending itself is definitely a war crime.
Do not, under any circumstances, mention Hamas, tunnels under schools, or the fact that Gaza received billions in aid and built rockets instead of hospitals.
Stay laser-focused: Israel = bad. Period.
Step 8: Turn every cause humanly imaginable into ‘the Palestinian cause.’
No matter what the issue, make sure to link it back to “Free Palestine,” even if it makes absolutely no sense.
Climate change protest? Blame Israel for “environmental occupation.”
LGBTQ+ rally? Demand justice for Palestinians, while ignoring that Hamas tortures and throws gay people off rooftops.
Women’s rights march? Chant “From the River to the Sea!" while praising regimes where women can’t drive without permission.
Labor union strike? Somehow, somewhere, find a way to blame Israeli “settler colonialism” for low minimum wages in New York City.
The important thing isn’t coherence. It’s volume. And intersectionality points.
Step 9: Stay willfully ignorant of Jewish history.
Whatever you do, do not learn why Israel exists. Ignore the centuries of expulsions, pogroms, inquisitions, ghettos, and genocides that made a Jewish homeland a matter of survival. Pretend Jewish history starts in 1948 — or better yet, in October 2023 — and that Jews suddenly got the urge to colonize sand dunes and fend off five invading Arab armies.
Definitely do not read about, for instance, the Jews expelled from Arab countries, the Jews massacred in Hebron in 1929 (before there was a State of Israel), or the 3,000-year continuous Jewish presence in the land (long before Islam even existed).
Meanwhile, it’s crucial to position yourself as a geopolitical expert on the Middle East. One TikTok video or one “Free Palestine” protest is all the credential you need.
Remember: You know more than scholars, historians, or people who actually live there. You understand “the real story” better than any Israeli Arab, Druze, Christian, Bedouin, or Israeli Jew. You are qualified to explain how to fix one of the world’s most complex conflicts because you once reposted an infographic with pastel colors.
The less you know, the more confident you should sound.
Step 10: Always punch up ... unless it’s the Jews.
Normally, you believe in protecting minorities.
Indigenous peoples? Vital! Religious minorities? Sacred!
But somehow, when it comes to the world’s oldest continuously persecuted minority rebuilding their ancestral homeland, you make an exception. It’s your moral duty, after all.
Step 11: Require that every Jew you know renounces Zionism.
Solidarity demands sacrifice — from others.
Make it clear that your Jewish friends must loudly, publicly, and repeatedly renounce Zionism in order to stay in your good graces.
It doesn’t matter if their family survived pogroms, concentration camps, or being kicked out of Arab countries; if they believe Jews have the right to a homeland, that’s fascism.
Example: Sarah mentions she has cousins in Tel Aviv? Demand a statement. Better yet, draft one for her: “As a Jew, I repudiate the existence of a Jewish state, support the right of return for millions of fictional descendants, and accept my role as a colonial oppressor.”
After all, true inclusion means policing Jewish thought.
Step 12: Blame Israel for everything under the sun.
Remember: No problem is too small or too unrelated to be blamed on Israel.
Is there a drought in California? Israeli water technology could fix it — but they haven’t, so clearly, it is Israel’s fault. Is your cat ignoring you? Probably Mossad psychological operations. Is your sourdough starter not rising? Israeli yeast sabotage.
Make blaming Israel a lifestyle, not just a hobby.
Step 13: Invent more Palestinian lies because there aren’t enough of them already.
The classics are getting a little tired: “Israel bombs hospitals” (when the hospital parking lot was hit by a rocket launched from Gaza), “Israel starves Gaza” (while Gaza’s leaders import luxury cars), “Israel committed genocide” (even as Gaza’s population tripled).
Time for some new material!
Examples:
Claim Israel invented COVID-19 to control the world that the “Zionist lobby” already controlled.
Insist that Israeli cows are “Zionist invaders” oppressing Palestinian cows.
Accuse Israeli weather control technology of targeting Palestinian farmers.
The most important thing to never forget is that facts are optional, but emotional hashtags are mandatory. #Resistance #Liberation #ZionistCows
Step 14: Hurt Palestinians to help Palestinians.
Here’s an advanced move: Support BDS, even though it routinely harms the very Palestinians you claim to champion.
Case in point: SodaStream, an Israeli company that employed hundreds of Palestinians at good wages, was pressured into closing its West Bank plant thanks to BDS campaigns.
The result? Hundreds of Palestinians lost their high-paying jobs overnight.
Victory! Now they can enjoy unemployment with the sweet, sweet taste of moral purity.
Step 15: Target companies that have nothing to do with Israel.
Precision is for cowards. Why limit yourself to Israeli businesses when you can harass random global corporations for vibes?
Consider protesting McDonald’s for “supporting Israel” because they donated Happy Meals to Israeli soldiers during a war — meanwhile ignoring that McDonald's franchises in Muslim countries openly fund local causes too.
Or demand boycotts of Disney because they didn’t issue a strongly worded press release condemning Zionism fast enough.
You might also want to vandalize Starbucks, even though its CEO has literally stated that Starbucks does not support Israel — but who cares? Lattes are colonization now, and the appearance of activism is far more important than the accuracy of activism.
Bonus: Master the art of Holocaust inversion.
Ready for the master’s degree in moral bankruptcy? Perfect.
Take the greatest crime against humans in modern history — the Holocaust — and weaponize it against Jews today.
Examples:
Compare Gaza to Auschwitz — because fences and war are obviously identical to industrialized genocide.
Claim Israelis are “the new Nazis” — because defending themselves against terrorism is the same as orchestrating the Final Solution.
Hold signs that say “Stop the Palestinian Holocaust” — while ignoring the fact that Hamas, Hezbollah, and Palestinian Islamic Jihad openly call for a second Holocaust in their charters.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t historical accuracy; it’s emotional blackmail.
Bonus points if you shout “Never Again!” — but only against the Jews this time.
BRILLIANT! I would like to see this running on a video billboard in Times Square NY- splashed across Big Ben- on the Eiffel Tower and any other place where people have their brains glued to crap. Well I can dream can’t I?
This is brilliant!
The link to this piece needs to be copied and pasted into comment sections everywhere where BDS is discussed. I just did this: I posted it into an LA Times article about Occidental students’ hunger strike to condemn Israel. Fools need their echo chamber pierced. To those reading this: let’s do this. Copy the link and paste it into the comment sections.