My Favorite Jewish Conspiracies (And Why I'm Proud of Every One)

Apparently Jews control everything (even that random cloud that looks like the Israeli flag). Here's our user manual.

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Let’s get something out of the way: Jews don’t run the world.

We do, however, make it a lot more interesting.

Every now and then, I stumble across a late-night Reddit thread or a half-baked “pro-Palestinian” protest where someone is whispering (or shouting) about the latest “Jewish conspiracy.”

There’s usually a dramatic tone, some inaccurate historical citations, and a wild leap in logic somewhere around paragraph three. But here’s the thing: If we take a step back, squint a little, and tilt our heads just right, we might see something else entirely.

Maybe, just maybe, they’re not conspiracies. Maybe they’re compliments — badly disguised and very poorly understood.

So, let’s explore my favorite Jewish conspiracies. The ones that, if you’re paying attention, say more about Jewish brilliance than Jewish villainy.

1) The ‘Israel Lobby’

Ah yes, the famed “Israel lobby.” According to critics, it’s this shadowy cabal that secretly pulls the strings of Western foreign policies.

But here’s the actual conspiracy: Jews are good at advocating for themselves. Wild, right? A people that survived millennia of persecution, exile, and genocide … decided to learn how to work the system rather than be crushed by it? And now, a small population punches way above its weight in diplomacy, policy circles, and public discourse. That’s not sinister; that’s strategy.

Also, if we’re going to get worked up about lobbying, let’s at least keep the outrage consistent. Oil lobbies, gun lobbies, Big Tech, Big Pharma — they’re all fine, but supporting the one Jewish state on Earth? Suddenly, it’s a “problem.”

Funny how that works.

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2) ‘Jews control the media.’

This one always makes me laugh. If by “control” you mean that Jews have been foundational in building up journalism, publishing, comedy, TV, and film — then yes. We’re guilty of creating some of the freest, most diverse, and most chaotic media ecosystems on Earth.

We brought you “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “Seinfeld,” “Jurassic Park,” and “Fiddler on the Roof.” You’re welcome. We also brought you “Transparent,” “Unorthodox,” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” — proof that Jews not only control the media, but also air our own dirty laundry on primetime.

If we really “controlled the media,” do you think Israel would get this much bad press? Trust me, if Jews ran every newsroom, half of these reporters would be on Birthright and the other half would be arguing over bagels.

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3) ‘Violent Israeli Settlers’ and the ‘Israeli Occupation’

Here’s a new “conspiracy” for you: Jews living in Judea (you know, the place where the term “Jew” originates from).

The term “occupation” gets thrown around like it’s a neutral descriptor. But let’s talk honestly: If your neighbor keeps blowing up your buses, stabbing you, launching rockets into your backyard, stabbing your kids, and then holds press conferences blaming you for it, you don’t exactly leave the porch light on for them.

Call it what you want, but it’s not an “occupation” when the territory was won in a defensive war — and then your “peace partner” decides the best use of international aid is building terror tunnels and strapping bombs to teenagers. Israel pulled out of Gaza in 2005. What did it get in return? Fifty-thousand rockets and a generation of children taught that Jews drink blood.

As for the “violent settlers”? Yes, there are a handful of extremist outliers — and unlike our neighbors, we actually arrest them and put them on trial. But if your big moral cause is Jewish families building homes in their ancestral homeland while under daily threat of murder, you might want to recalibrate your outrage.

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4) ‘Jews control Hollywood.’

People love to whisper that “Jews control Hollywood.” As if we just hold secret meetings in Brentwood to decide the fate of cinema.

Listen, if you survived pogroms, ghettos, and the Holocaust, and then moved to America with nothing but ambition and a Yiddish accent — and within one generation you helped invent the entire American film industry — that’s not a conspiracy. That’s a flex.

Jewish immigrants didn’t control Hollywood. They created it. Fox, Goldwyn, Mayer, Warner, and the rest didn’t sneak into the back door. They built the house.

But here’s the real kicker: If Jews actually control Hollywood, wouldn’t we have more than two halfway decent Jewish movies a decade? Instead, we get endless reboots, the occasional Israeli character played by a Spaniard, and “Hanukkah specials” written by people who clearly think dreidels are seafood.

So, no, we don’t run Hollywood. We just occasionally sneak a Jewish grandmother into a supporting role and hope nobody cuts her scene.

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5) ‘Zionism is colonialism.’

This accusation has become trendy, so let’s examine it: Jews returning to their ancestral homeland is literally the opposite of colonialism.

Colonialism is when foreigners conquer and exploit land for profit. Zionism is when indigenous people return to their land after 2,000 years in exile and ask nicely for self-determination — and then have to defend themselves in genocidal war after genocidal war after genocidal war after genocidal war after genocidal war after genocidal war just to keep it.

If anything, Zionism is the most successful indigenous rights movement in modern history. Just with more hummus.

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6) ‘Dual Loyalty’ to Israel

Yes, many Jews care deeply about Israel. That’s not betrayal; that’s heritage.

The idea that Jews are somehow suspicious because they feel a bond with the world’s only Jewish state is both laughable and hypocritical. No one accuses Irish-Americans of dual loyalty for celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, or Italian-Australians for loving pasta.

But somehow, when Jews light a menorah in Jerusalem and another in New York, it becomes a geopolitical scandal.

Let me put it plainly: It is entirely possible to love your country and your people. Jews know how precious a homeland is. That’s not disloyalty; that’s memory.

And besides, if loyalty is measured by contribution, then Western Jews are among the most loyal citizens in the republic’s history: Nobel Prizes, civil rights, science, medicine, philanthropy — we’ve shown up for the West at every turn. And we’ll keep showing up.

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7) IDF soldiers kill Palestinian children.

This week, the Hollywood star dedicated to Israeli actress Gal Gadot in Los Angeles was defaced with the words “Baby Killer” written in black marker, as well as a sticker that said, “Israeli snipers target children.”

This one hits hard, because it turns tragedy into slander.

Every civilian death in war is a moral failure of humanity. Israelis know this more than most people across the world. The IDF has entire ethics units and command structures dedicated to minimizing civilian harm, even as Hamas hides behind baby carriages and hospitals. The IDF notifies before bombing, drops leaflets, sends text messages, invented the “roof-knocking”¹ technique; they literally warn the enemy in advance.

Meanwhile, Israel’s enemies don’t wear uniforms (war crime), shoot from schoolyards (war crime), and deliberately put children in the line of fire (war crime) because they know tons of people will ignorantly blame Israel for it.

If you want fewer dead children, start by blaming the people who treat children as disposable shields.

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BONUS: ‘Jews control the XYZ industry.’

This one pairs nicely with “Jews are rich.” You’d think every Jew was born with a hedge fund in one hand and a Brooklyn brownstone in the other.

In reality, Jewish history is a masterclass in forced reinvention: kicked out of agriculture, banned from guilds, barred from landowning. So, what did we do? We mastered trade, finance, and education.

Being overrepresented in professions requiring higher education isn’t a conspiracy; it’s what happens when your grandma’s bedtime stories were about getting into law school.

And, for centuries, Jews were legally banned from owning land and entering most professions. One of the few legal options was money-lending, which Christians at the time considered sinful. So we took the job no one else wanted — and then got blamed for doing it well.

Modern Jewish involvement in finance isn’t a conspiracy. It’s a trauma-informed career pivot.

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So, the next time someone leans in with a knowing look and whispers, “Did you know the Jews are behind all this?” — smile and say, “Thank you.”

Because these so-called conspiracies are really just examples of what happens when a historically oppressed people refuses to stay quiet, refuses to stay down, and absolutely refuses to disappear.

We organize. We create. We remember. We build. And yes, sometimes we overachieve.

It’s not a cabal. It’s a culture.

And it’s a darn good one.

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1. Roof knocking or “knock on the roof” is a term used by the Israel Defense Forces to describe its practice of dropping low-yield devices on the roofs of terrorist targets (often cynically embedded within civilian infrastructure) in as a prior warning of imminent bombing attacks to give the civilians time to flee.