The Official United Nations Dictionary (Parody)

“They say that what is right is wrong and what is wrong is right; that black is white and white is black; bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.”

A UN worker with the organization’s notebook (photo: Ilyass SEDDOUG/Unsplash)

Please consider supporting our mission to help everyone better understand and become smarter about the Jewish world. A gift of any amount helps keep our platform free of advertising and accessible to all.

---

This is a satirical piece written by Daniel Clarke-Serret, author of “Exodus: The Quest for Freedom.”

You can also listen to the podcast version of this essay on Apple Podcasts, YouTube Music, YouTube, and Spotify.

---

Earlier this week, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made it clear that he refused to host United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres in Kyiv following the latter’s visit to Russia, where he was pictured shaking hands with Russian President Vladimir Putin, an official close to Zelenskyy said.¹

“He shook hands with him [Putin]. He smiled. He was asked to come to promote the BRICS summit even more. He was used by them, and he seemed happy to be used,” the official told Politico on condition of anonymity to be able to discuss the sensitive matter.

Within the last month, Guterres has now been blacklisted by two nations: Israel and Ukraine. He is persona non grata. Unwelcome.

Let me repeat that again: Out of all the nations in the world, the two where the world’s chief diplomat is most despised are the two democracies under continuing attack from barbarians.

Meanwhile, Guterres has been welcomed like a King — and has been happy to have been welcomed — in Kazan (Russia), in the heartland of the one of the most unpleasant geopolitical actors. The UN chief is a hero at BRICS, the international ID parade for global criminals, but snubs the little guys under attack. Go figure.

Then came Guterres’ bestie, Philippe Lazzarini, who heads the notorious United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestinian Refugees (UNRWA). On Thursday, Lazzarini claimed that Israeli bulldozers damaged the office of the UN agency in the West Bank’s Nur Shams camp, which is probably a lie because UNRWA in and of itself is one big lie.

Also on Thursday, the IDF responded to Lazzarini’s blood libel by saying that it was “false” while adding: “Terrorists planted explosives in the proximity of the UNRWA offices that were then detonated in an attempt to harm IDF soldiers. The explosives likely caused damage to the structure.”

In this light, I feel it is necessary to publish “The Official United Nations Dictionary” — which opens with the following biblical verse:

“They say that what is right is wrong and what is wrong is right; that black is white and white is black; bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.” — Isaiah 5:20

Section 1: Refugees

Non-Palestinian Refugee: people who have fled war, violence, conflict, or persecution and have crossed an international border to find safety in another country

Palestinian Refugee: the descendants (and the descendants of the descendants) of refugees

Non-Palestinian Refugee Camps: temporary facilities built to provide immediate protection and assistance to refugees

Palestinian Refugee Camps: towns where the descendants (and the descendants of the descendants) of refugees were born and raised

Jewish Refugees: settler-colonists

Jewish Refugees from Arab Countries: “White” settler-colonists

Section 2: History

History: fiction to suit a narrative

Canaanites, Philistines, Anyone: the ancestors of the Palestinians

The Israelites: Palestinians

Adam and Eve: the first Palestinians

The Holocaust: a terrible event in which Palestinians have primarily been the victims

Palestine: homeland of the Palestinians, the world’s foremost indigenous people, spanning so many centuries that they are plainly impossible to count

Section 3: Humanitarian Catastrophes

Syrian Deaths: a minor detail

Ethiopian Deaths: just another statistic

Afghan Deaths: an irrelevance

Israeli Deaths: deserved; justified; no big deal; possibly even a lie or gross fabrication

Gazan Deaths: THE. WORSE. HUMANITARIAN. CRISIS. EVER.

Section 4: Terrorism

Freedom Fighters: any group of killers to whom the current African National Congress in South Africa, the Turkish government, and Northern Ireland’s Sinn Féin leadership take a liking to (otherwise known as victims)

Victims: a category of people for whom no act, however barbaric, can be condemned as evil

Justice: the evil that victims do

Rape: an acceptable method of violent justice by victims who have “no other option”

Kidnapping: an acceptable method of violent justice by victims who have “no other option”

War Crimes: anything that the victims of victims do when acting in self-defense and trying to prevent any future acts of violent victimhood

Terrorists: the IDF, the U.S. Army, the British Army, and the Armed Forces of Ukraine who have the audacity to respond to the acts of victims

Civilian Deaths: any death within a victim population including the deaths of “terrorist” fighters themselves, civilians murdered by “terrorist” fighters, and civilians killed by misfired rockets launched by “terrorist” fighters (as well as the unintentional deaths of non-combatants used as human shields by “terrorist” fighters and UN agencies)

Islamic Republic of Iran: definitely not developing nuclear weapons (and, if by chance they are, purely for peaceful purposes)

Hamas: just an idea that can never be defeated (but also, somehow, “freedom fighters”)

Hezbollah: the poor, innocent, uninvolved people of Lebanon who have nowhere to go

United Nations Interim Force in Lebanon (UNIFIL): a “peacekeeping” mission in southern Lebanon that doubles as Hezbollah’s bodyguards

Gays for Gaza: confused homosexuals who are desperately running out of “oppressed” people to support

Section 5: The United Nations

The UN Charter: aspirational; completely theoretical; fairy tale; science fiction; optical illusion; fraud

Dictator: the prototypical UN voter

Human Rights: a weapon used by dictators to criticize countries which genuinely respect individual liberties

The International Court of Justice: a completely impartial judicial panel representing regimes who do not respect human rights

United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestinian Refugees (UNRWA): a nefarious geopolitical conglomerate deliberately disguised as a “humanitarian organization”

UNRWA’s Headquarters in Gaza: a shield for Hamas’ underground data center

UN Women: unless you are a Jew

Self-Determination: the right of all peoples to self-government, except for Jews (err, “Zionists”), Kurds, the Taiwanese, and Tibetans

Moral Authority: any UN resolution that Russia, China, North Korea, Eritrea, and the Islamic Republic of Iran all consent to

U.S. Veto at the UN: a result of Jewish money

Any non-U.S., non-U.K., non-Czech, or non-Israeli Vote at the UN: morally unquestionable

Section 6: Racism, Colonialism, and Slavery

Slavery: exclusively European slavery

Colonialism: exclusively European colonialism

Pre-European Mexico and Australia: Eden

Racism: only what “White” people do

Light-Skinned Syrians, Turks, Iranians, and Lebanese People: “Brown” people

Dark-Skinned Bulgarians, Greeks, Spaniards, and Jews: “White” people

White People: “White” people and all non-“Whites” who raise questions about these definitions

Violent Israeli Settlers: the actual terrorists

Islamophobia: the all-time greatest epidemic threatening the human race

Jews: the only population not indigenous to any piece of land ever in the 4.543 billion-year history of the world

Pro-Palestinian: a masturbatory exercise in wildly ignorant virtue-signaling

Antisemitism: imaginary; an illusion; seriously exaggerated; completely justified; must be coupled with Islamophobia in all cases where it might be considered legitimate

Zionism: racism; colonialism; illegal settlements; ethnic cleansing; genocide; forced displacement; war crimes; crimes against humanity; scum; “The Wicked Witch of the West”

Anti-Zionism: the easiest and most fashionable way to cover up antisemitism in the post-Holocaust era

The BDS Movement: major damage to Palestinians so long as it has a razor-thin chance of harming Israel

Section 7: Miscellaneous

Al Jazeera: an impeccable media outlet worthy of every Pulitzer Prize

Keffiyeh: the world’s one and only item that is perfectly acceptable to culturally misappropriate

Proportionality: a sophisticated-sounding defense mechanism used against Jews who mysteriously decide to defend themselves when brutally attacked

Occupation: conveniently blaming Israel for problems in the Palestinian Territories that, in reality, have nothing to do with Israel

Life: cheap

Words: meaningless

Honesty: non-existent

Truth: What is that?

The United Nations: an abomination

Note: You might have noticed that definitions are not in alphabetical order throughout this dictionary.

Little wonder. The world is upside-down.

---

1. “Zelenskyy rejects UN chief’s visit over meeting with Putin.” Politico.